VAULTER VAULTER

To avoid the Olympic weather forecast, please look away now

I put down the phone and gazed at the teeming skies. I considered my options. Maybe it was time for prayer. Perhaps we could stage a pagan ritual at Stonehenge, involving either the sacrifice of maidens (if there are any these days), or a goat, or a rabbit, or maybe just a worm — whatever the RSPCA would allow.

Maybe it was time to call upon the sun god Ra, or Phoebus Apollo, or Sol Victrix, or whatever name he now goes by, and lift our hands in chanting entreaty. Come on, O thou fiery spirit that animates the world. Come on out from wherever you are hiding. Shine the light of your countenance upon us, you miserable blighter. Extend thy beams, so reverend and strong, and dry the water from our upturned cheeks. Flatter the mountain tops with your sovereign eye, vaporise the thunderheads, and give us all a break.

Give us poor Britons some kind of a summer – before the entire country dissolves like a sugar cube and sinks into the sea. If you think July has been wet so far, you should hear the forecast I have just been given. In fact, I am about to pass on the news, but before I do so I want you to know (a) that I flatly refuse to believe it and (b) that even if it turns out to be true, then I know that it will make not a bean of difference to our collective morale or to the global festival of sport that we are about to lay on in London.

I have just been on the blower to my old chum, Piers Corbyn, the world’s foremost meteorological soothsayer, and he sounds like Jeremiah with an ingrown toenail. This is the same Corbyn, with a first-class degree in physics, who decisively beat the Met Office in 2010 and accurately forecast the cold and snowy winter — and I am afraid he has been bearish about this summer from sometime in February or March.

According to Piers and his team at Weather Action, we all underestimate the role of the sun. This is set to be just about the wettest July on record, he says, and that is mainly because of things taking place in the nuclear fireball millions of miles away from earth. “Sometime too bright the eye of heaven shines,” says the Poet, and often is his gold complexion dimmed. This is one of the dim moments. The old boy is suffering from some kind of solar acne, called “coronal holes”, and on July 12 he apparently emitted a colossal flare – a cosmic spurt of X-rays and other charged particles; and, by a process that we (or at least I) do not fully understand – perhaps because rain droplets form more easily when there are charged particles around – this distemper in the celestial orb is helping to cause the current inundations.

by: Boris Johnson

from: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/borisjohnson/9402260/To-avoid-the-Olympic-weather-forecast-please-look-away-now.html

London 2012 Weather
London 2012 Weather

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